spit it out...

I've been holding this in
...for a while now
...because it felt intimate
...but I feel the constant urge to share it
...I hold myself back because putting these emotions into words is hard
...but i'll try

last year we left our home in the city.
the home I deeply loved.
with an abundance of 8ft windows and gleaming 100 yr old oak floors.
and took a journey to the county.
to my husbands grandparents farm.
we came because we felt called.
we came for the summer.
to work & cherish our family.
and then we planned to return home.
to our city life.
renewed and ready to keep going.
but it didn't work out that way.
our plans are not HIS plans.
our financial devastation had worsened.
our life was changing.
your generosity brought us home.
to say goodbye to family and friends.
to find closure in part of our life that was coming to an end.
we gave away things I never would have parted with.
and left a life I never thought I would.

our new home is small.
it has carpet that I hate.
and I can't paint the white walls.
the kitchen is the size of a bathroom.
our master bedroom is in the family room.
and my best friend doesn't live down the street.
there is one bathroom with no shower.
the bedrooms have postage stamp windows.
and the laundry room is nothing like this
but for some reason it feels right.
it is our new home.
our new life.
and I love it.

the peace I have been craving has been found here.
parts of me that were buried have been found.
we are letting go of our ideals.
and finding ourselves again.
living with less is living with more.
slowing down is waking up to life.
real life that matters.
letting go of so much has opened my heart and mind to so much more.
and all of that.
all of the pain.
all of the struggles.
oh how blessed we are to have had them.

I have never hurt more.
loved more.
desired God more.
lost more.
given more.
opened up more.
become more.
found more.
less really is more.

this only feels like i'm sharing the surface
...so much more is happening in our lives
and hopefully i'll be able to share more with you soon.

thanks for letting me share my life with you
...your love and kindness is inspiring

peace out.

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