It's just hair!

You may have read in my 'weekly wrap' that my in-laws cut Vance's hair while he was staying with them for a week. I am very upset and I know I need to confront them. I wasn't sure if I should blog about this or not because I didn't want to gossip or talk bad about in-laws. But, I have decided to share this... I need to vent and I need to share with people who aren't emotionally connected to see if I'm overreacting or not. So... here ya go!!!
Let's go back to the day Vance left... we specifically talked about his hair... unfortunatly there are continual issues with Vance's hair and my in-laws. Last time Vance was there they practically gave him a buzz cut, clearly against our wishes. I was livid... but I forgave and moved on.. thinking that it wouldn't be an issue again. So before they left we told them "don't cut his hair, don't take him to get a hair cut" There were a few comments about the hair in his eyes and 'just a trim' but we said "NO" It was obvious they disagreed but again I thought... they've learned... they wouldn't dare touch his hair again. Before they had even made it home the topic of Vance's hair came up. According to them and Vance the guy at subway gave him a girl toy instead of a boy toy. This happens, people don't look sometimes and yes there aren't very many boys with long hair. BUT HE'S CLEARLY A BOY! Well this was just prime time for them to talk to Vance about his hair. Questions, comments & answers were exchanged and the result according to Vance... "Nana & Papa made me feel like I had a girl haircut". A little while later they called Paul and told him... "Vance was asked if he was a girl at wrestling too... I think it might be a problem". Paul called me, we talked, I took this very seriously, I don't want my son to feel ashamed of the way he looks. Paul and I decided that since this had not come up before that we would talk with Vance when he got home and we would definatly get a trim (I have a GOOD friend who is awesome with hair sissors). I was obviously upset on the phone with Paul and didn't really want to have a heated discussion with him on the phone while he was driving home.... so we got off. His dad called again and brought up the hair topic and somehow convinced Paul that it was an okay idea for them to take Vance in and get JUST A 1 INCH TRIM. Well wouldn't that have been great if they had listened... but I guess that's just too much to ask. His hair looks more girly now than it did before, they totally changed the style & they cut off 3-4 inches at least.

It's just hair! That's only a fraction of the problem here... I feel completely disrespected and unvalued as a mother and an adult. Not only that but they put their son in a horrible position... between them and me. Paul and I both stand firm together on this... he told them No at first... but as a people pleaser and their son he tried to make the best decision he could. I'm not upset with him... I'm furious at them. If they cared about us and our marriage they wouldn't throw rocks in the path like this. He feels horrible now. He hates Vance's hair and wishes he could take back the little bit of room he gave them to do the right thing. But he probably won't say that to their face because he hates confrontation... who does? And poor Vance... look what they've done to him... they've made him think that he can't have long hair because it doesn't fit their mold and they won't love him as much if has long hair??? I KNOW they did it for themselves, they were going to Thanksgiving and church and they didn't want anyone to see him with LONG hair. THEY were ashamed and how dare they put that on our son. He shouldn't have to deal with all this at his young age of 5. In his words... when Nana took him to the salon she told her hairstylist "make it more boy". He also said he thought they didn't like him with long hair and THEY thought he looked like a girl. That's how he felt. He is okay with his hair shorter... he's very happy go lucky... thank goodness... but why did they do this!

I don't know what's going to happen or how this is going to effect our relationship. We won't keep our kids away from them... the boys don't deserve that... but we can't do this again. They have to know what they did was wrong and how it effected all of us. So any words of encouragement would be greatly appreciated. Sarah if you're reading this I would LOVE to hear your input... you are so wise. :)

And as I'm writing this I just read Sarah's update... my heart is aching for you and for everyone there. I am so so sorry and we will be praying for you and the family. If you have a chance check out her blog... she is an absolutely amazing woman, wife & mother and she is oh so wise. I'm constantly learning and being encouraged by her.

Okay... here's a few pictures of long hair Vance... top is most recent and a recent shot of the back, then when he was 4 and 3. SO CUTE!

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  1. My opinion:

    I think you have a right to be upset. You are right, it's just hair. But it's not really about the hair, it's about them overstepping their boundaries. They are the grandparents, not the parents. Our boys have had their hair long here and there and both sets of grandparents have a problem with it. They prefer it short. I think it's just how that generation thinks. It wasn't their place to have it cut.

    Anyway, I think you are justified in being upset and I would definitely talk to them about it. Good luck! (and I think he looks so so good with long hair.)

  2. wow, I can see why you are upset. I would be. They totally went over the line there.

    GRRRR. They have put you in a ridiculous position as well and I bet they think they have done something so admirable.

    Good luck!

  3. Yes, you have a right to be angry. Like you said, it really isn't about the hair, but respecting that what you say about your child is what is going to happen. If they want time alone with your kids, you need to feel you can trust them.
    In my opinion, your hubby should be the one to talk to his folks about it, not you. That is how my hubby and I always handle things. It makes it MUCH easier. If he has a problem with confrontation maybe he could put it in a letter first. Let him be the one to tell them that he is hurt that they are not respecting you two as parents.
    As for the hair, ask Vance if he likes it best long or short and go from there. Whatever he is comfortable with. And you are right, he definitely looks like a boy, even with the long hair.
    Good luck!

  4. He is such a doll!! I would be upset too and I think you have every right to be. I think you just need to let them know that they over-stepped their boundaries and that you are willing to let this go, but as long as it is understood that you feel they did not respect you and it was wrong. I'd be furious. Take care - Kellan

  5. It makes ME upset just reading about it!
    I'm sorry Vance had to hear anything about his hair short or long from his Grandpa & Grandma. It sounds like they were on a mission! It really shouldn't even matter.
    I'm glad you wrote about it. Hopefully it made you feel better about the situation.
    You do have every right to be upset and it sounds like a family coffee talk/tell all is due.
    I'm sorry you were put in this situation. Sigh....

  6. Wow! I'd be quite an unhappy daughter-in-law. That mama bear in me, you know....

    I hope you guys are able to work it out in such a way, so they understand in no uncertain terms, that this kind of behavior is not acceptable in a loving adult relationships. Because, it's really not.

    Sigh... I will miss his long hair. I really loved it - thought it suited him perfectly. And I don't think he could look anymore boy than he did.


  7. brit....what is your email address? I've been trying to contact you, but I don't think you're getting them. :( is mine....


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