life and death

2 months ago
...I praised God for the miracle of life,
And clenched my eyes shut as we waited.
And then I smiled and laughed and danced with joy...

There was a miracle growing inside of me...
And I wanted to holler it from the rooftop
...but we waited.

 I saw a baby in my arms...
 part of our family
...a new brother or sister
...loved like he was always here.

 All looked fine.

 I could vision a baby
 ...being held by his big brothers
...loved on by big sisters
...sleeping in my arms
...gazing at his daddy

 On Christmas we told the children,
with a scavenger hunt and scrambled words.
Ozzie yelled "awesome"
... the big boys grinned from ear to ear.
The girls giggled and smiled...
And told us how they were going hold the baby
 ...and give her kisses.

 We started sharing the news with family
 ...we were going to have a baby this summer.
Due on my husbands birthday.
I would be 12 weeks today.

 2 days ago I was told those words no mother wants to hear
..."your baby stopped growing last week".

 What did I do....
Did I get too close to the xrays and ct-scans?
Was I too stressed at the hospital?
I was getting enough nutrients, wasn't I?
What did I do wrong?

 Everything had felt so right
 ...my husband and I both felt God's call to add to our family.
We thought we might be done...
 but God had put the desire in both of our hearts.

 I never thought it would end this way.

 Yesterday I went into labor...
 My body contracted,
My water broke,
I delivered a 10 week baby
and a placenta with a little umbilical cord.
It was the worst labor of my life.
(I might share the story...not sure)

 Today I'm thanking God for the miracle of life
 and I look at my six beautiful blessings
... And think life is amazing.

 ....but it still hurts like heck.

 Thanks for letting me share,
 For hearing my heart
 ...and loving our family.

 There is so much pain in this world...
 A world filled with heartache and loss
 ...tears and confusion.

 Lean on God with me,
He loves, he gives, he sees you.
 he brings peace that passes understanding.
And i am so grateful for that.